Something Important For You And Me

Lexi and I are trying to jump start our State Farm career and we could use your help.  I need to sell 20 life insurance policies by the end of the year.  Wait, wait - don't run just yet; here are the reasons this could help you too.

1.$250,000 of coverage only costs you $20 a month and is one of the markets best rates.

2.If you don't have life insurance and you have kids you should have coverage.

3. Most likely you don't have enough coverage to pay off your mortgage or support your family.  Fill out this short calculator to figure how much you should have.

4. If you started the policy and held it only for two months it would still be a great help.

5. All that is required is about 10 questions and one month of payment.

This is the first and last time I will use this forum to push my wares but if you let me quote your insurance it would be the biggest help.

Just send me an email or call me if you are interested.  

jefflward@gmail.com

425-381-5632

If you think "life insurance smife insurance" than enjoy the pictures on the blog because we might not be able to afford the blogger subscription anymore :(   

I hope you know I'm kidding if you aren't interested no big whoop.

Do You Ever Check...

..your own blog to see if there are any new postings?  I do.  Maybe I think that I would have put a new posting up and totaly forgot it was there.  More likely I surf the net like a blind robot and just click on it out of habit.

The Verdict

After I posted this Lexi asked her father what his opinion on the matter was.  Being a very hands off kind of guy he declined to give his opinion saying he better stay out of it. 

Lo and behold two days ago a present for the new baby comes in the mail (ordered 1 week ago) a video baby monitor.  Funny huh.  I guess if I don't have to pay the $100 why not.

Babys Have Rights Too

Recently Lexi and I have a little debate about how much survelience is appropriate for the little baby on the way. What if the little tot wants a little privacy without big brother watching, really I should say big daddy I have put on a few pounds.

Actually the real debate is if a standard audio monitor is sufficient or should we go high tech with video or thermal monitors. For mothers out there shield your eyes from this next sentance, if you notice through a thermal monitor that your child is no longer emitting heat I'm sorry it is probably too late.

The real reason to have a monitor is to see if the child has woken up and is crying. Once you start adding video and more I think you begin to feed the paranoid side and you start looking at the monitor every 20 minutes.

So what is the verdict is it worth an extra $100 for a video monitor?

My Day, In Poetry

I was so bored while sitting through my required 80 hours of insurance education so to avoid dying I made a few poems. First the Haiku

1st Haiku

Slater School of Insurance,
life's longest eight hours,
I'd prefer water boarding.

2nd Haiku

The clocks hand it moves backward.
Has boredom ever killed?
let the lecturer die first.

3rd Haiku

Haiku hell, definition:
So bored I write this,
yet, Japanese poems fail.

After I told Lexi my Haiku she told me to try a limerick

The chances a limerick time will fill,
nine, nine, five, five, nein, no, never, nil
The meter its true
has something to do
with the speed arrived at boredom still.

THEY Created A Monster

I never really got the rivalry with Utah and BYU until I started going to the U. I grew up with a cougar football poster on my wall like every good mormon boy does but I have since seen the light. When every cougar fan hears I like the U or went there they all start trashing and belittling my alma mater.

Well, as of this year I still wish BYU well with their quest for the BCS but when we meet on the last game of the year I hope the crush their dreams because the Utes are a better team. The BCS rankings are determined by an average of 6 computer (unbiased) rankings, the AP poll, and the Harris coaches poll. Four of the 6 computer rankings are posted and I don't see BYU in any of the top 5.

But wait who do I see..... (click on the Poll names to see the complete rankings)



Colley
1. Alabama
2. Vanderbilt
3. Utah
4. Texas
5. Northwestern

Massey
1. Alabama
2. Northwestern
3. Vanderbilt
4. Utah
5. Boise State

Sagarin
1. Alabama
2. Utah
3. LSU
4. Boise State
5. Oklahoma

Billingsley
1. LSU
2. Oklahoma
3. Alabama
4. USC
5. Missouri

THE U WILL CRUSH BYU

Utes vs Beavers or Palin vs Biden or Baby Ute

Decisions, decisions, what should I do. Thursday night my Utes play the beavers that recently dethroned USC and the Vice Presidential debates take place. In addition to all this my wife and I have are third semester class that night so I have a plan.

I will listen to the Utes on the radio but tell my wife I'm listening to the Vice Presidential debates because it's my civic duty while I'm in the third trimester debate.

I am so smart SMRT. (you have to say the last line in a Homer Simpson voice)

I Swear I'm Not A Robot

Have you ever stared at a word verification and had no idea what letters or numbers you were looking at. Today I entered in a word verification literally 20 times until I could get it right. I swear I'm not a robot I'm a real person please let me past your word verification. In the end it turns out I was putting the verification in the password box but still half the verifications looked like a Picasso alphabet. All this said I have a word verification because you might be a robot unless you can prove otherwise.

Did I Just Rub That On My Face Or Eat It.

Jim Gaffigan is a very funny comedian check out this routine.

I was thinking about this routine after I ate at Taco Bell the other night and while tasty the consequences had me feeling much the same.

"The Breast Is Best"

According to PETA good restaurants should stop using cows milk and start using human breast milk.  Check this article out.   What should Ben and Jerry's name their new breast milk ice cream, I suggest PETA Puker or Milk My Mama.

What Can Awake The Blogging Beast

Oh Yeah it's that time!! See you after February 1st.

My Old Man and The Mounted Stallions

No it's not the title of a forgotten Hemingway novel it's the almost title of my Dad's motor cycle gang.


So my Dad told me that a half dozen of his 50 and up friends were looking for a name to put on their leather jackets. The oldest rider suggested, "The Mounted Stallions". When my Dad told me we both laughed pretty hard but I'm not sure if we were laughing for the same reasons and I don't really want to ask.

I love Call Girls and My Wife

what am I saying?!!

When I was studying for my final my wife came up with an awesome way to remember a boring formula. C > S - X, at first glance it looks like call girls are greater than sex. Which is to say the price of a call is greater than the stock price minus the strike price. All very boring but at least I made you look.

So, I love my wife for helping me remember this formula and apparently I love call girls.

Ben's Joke

My brother-in-law is a very funny guy and here is a joke he made up, I love it. I think it would make a great comic.

A sadistic clown walks into a dark woods with a little boy. The boy says, "I'm Scared". The clown looks at him and says, "You're scared? I'm the one walking back alone!"

Morbid I know but admit it, you did laugh.

My Favorite Clips From "Hot Rod"

This is the scene directly after the Kevin Karaoke one.

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

For the past ten years, no exaggeration, I have been quoting a mystery movie, "tick tock tick tock tick tock" with my creepy villainous voice. I haven't been able to remember which movie it came from. Every time I would say it I would quiz whoever was around me to see where it came from.

Finally, last night I saw the movie I had only seen one time back in 1992, "Silence of The Lambs". I freaked out when Hannibal said the line. Most of you have had something on the tip of your tongue for a day but how many of you have had it on the tip of your tongue for 16 years!!! I feel like I just scratched an unscratchable itch. Hallelujah!!!!!

First Flashback Friday Ever!

Driving back from school I just heard 3 cool songs in a row that I had completely forgotten about. While Blind Melon, Elastica, and Bush played over the airwaves images of cruising in my Dad's Jeep, towing the boat with the windows down swept over me,I was feeling like a teenager again.

The D.J.'s voice broke in and ripped me from the carefree 90's of my teenage years, "Your listening to 'The 90's at Noon'.....", oh crap. I'm that guy! I realized that I have become that guy insists the best songs were written when he was in highschool. That guy that talks about all the music of yesteryear while the younger guy looks on in pity afraid to burst his bubble. I'm "Bubble Boy" surrounded by the safe familiar plastic protection of the decades gone by. I remember listening to the "80's Old School Lunch", but now it's my turn.

I guess it's time to buy a mini-van, move to the burbs and embrace the future. At least all the car commercial song's are the ones I like, there has to be some advantage to getting older.

In homage to all the late 90's rockers I'm posting a link to my Brother's old band "Sofa", the song is "Stealing Chicken" and still is in rotation on my ipod.

Jeff 1, Bestbuy -1

Don't ever buy the store warranties!

When Lexi and I bought our new laptop they tried to sell us the Bestbuy service plan warranty for an extra $100. The sceptical bargin hunter that I am had read in Consumer Reports how it never makes sense to buy them declined.

Fast forward a couple weeks and our computer won't charge. Acer's website kindly told us to take our computer into Bestbuy to be serviced as long as it was under the manufacturer warranty.

Jeff 1, Bestbuy o

Most stores try to sell you "store warranties" that offer little to no benefit. Like this example it just overlaps an existing warranty.

Also check out this perpetual coupon that can always be printed I found on my favorite website, www.Lifehacker.com. I don't get any points for this but it can't be good for Bestbuy so...

Jeff 1, Bestbuy -1

Jeffer out!

I Love My Google Reader

I love the Google Reader because now I don't have to visit sites that have laid fallow for the last month, like mine.

My favorite feed on the reader is Make Magazine, who else will show you how to make a neumatic exoskeleton for under $100. I also love Lifehacker, they always have a interesting time saving tip or two. Even though technically she is my wife's friend Kate McNeil's Blog is always entertaining. She has mastered the art of succinct entries, sadly I have not.

Which Blogs or sites are your favorite.

Birthday Rules

Today is my Birthday and I feel constrained by its unspoken rules. This afternoon I was bored and wanted to call some friends and chat. I didn't dare because of the first Birthday rule:

Thou shall not call friends or family on your birthday until they have called you first.

The second rule is like unto it, thou shalt enjoy all the attention you get even if you would rather pretend it wasn't your birthday.

I can put up with those rules because if you follow those two you pretty much have free reign to do what ever you want all day.

This.......

Is it just me or every year American Idol is on the air does Ryan Seacrest add another second between this and is American Idol? Another year or two they will have to go to a commercial break before he finishes his sentence.

Never Present Last!

Today my group presented a 50 minute case study on eBay in my Advanced Strategic Management class. As each of the 8 members rapidly read their slides twice as fast as they should have my time quickly approached. With 15 minutes left in the presentation and only 5 minutes of material to present my turn arrived.

What did I learn today? Never present last! I learned that I can only talk about nothing for 10 minutes to a crowd of 80 bored students.

More Important; Clean Hands or a Clean Concience

I must confess the only reason I was my hands after I leave the bathroom is because I want to be nice to everyone else. Frankly, I shower daily and my nether regions are most likely cleaner than my hands so logically I should wash my hands before I take a wizz rather than the other way around.

Before I leave the bathroom I tell myself, "if you want to be a good citizen wash your hands". Basically I'm trying to tell you if you see me slide morally, lets say I have an about face and start becoming a jerk I guarantee that post bathroom hand washing will be the first thing to go.

A Deadly Combination

Hammers, a man on a mission, no stud-finder, and impatience have proven to be a fatal combination for the wall next to my entry. I decided to hang a hook for my bike to make space in my apartment. After getting my bike cleaned and tuned, and having bought the necessary hardware to proceed I set out on my ill-fated errand.

Fueling the fires of my frustration I spent a frenzied half hour looking for my illusive stud-finder, mistake one. Being the stubborn and resourceful man that I am I turned to the internet for guidance, mistake two. Upon discovering that coat hangers in the wall don't find studs but instead remove insulation; no magnets are strong enough to find a nail; lines in the wall aren't studs but mirages designed to entice you into making a myriad of one inch miniature windows to your neighbor's apartment; I committed errors three, four, and five.

The final mistake, hanging a bike on a hook that isn't screwed into a stud. What have we learned? Ladies, stud-finders are more than toys. Gentlemen, consult your neighbor before you make windows to their apartment.

Vulcan Mind Trap

Last evening I sat down with my wife and her family to watch a slide show of her trip to L.A. and the many pictures from the wax museum. Among the displays of mortuaresque figures was one of Star Wars. My wife, the devious woman that she is, was standing there doing Spock's vulcan V salute.

Shock and horror washed over me and my years of Star Trek: Next Generation upbringing took over, "Do you know what you are doing Lexi?". As soon as the words left my mouth I realized I had fallen into her Vulcan mind trap. She knew because I have given her the Star Trek, Star Wars lecture one to many times. Really, it is a double edged sword, or light Saber depending on your upbringing, to inform everyone that the vulcan V is for Star Trek and not Star Wars or pretend like you are a normal person, keep silent, and avoid ridicule.

As a true Sci-Fi fan you can't stand idly by and let such errors go uncorrected. As a 30-year-old man that has moved past fantasies of being Deanna Troi's Jonathen Frakes or ever creating a Holodeck to act out my cyber-noir fantasies with my red headed Beverely Crusher such old habits die hard. Everyone laughing at my seemingly uncontrolled trekie outburst I flashed back to Junior High and the day I realized that just because My family liked Star Trek didn't really make it cool.

Let this be a lesson to all no body cares about the correct pronunciation of Data, the fact that Deanna Troi is only half human, or Wesley Crusher's rank. Just keep your mouth shut and save it for the convention.

Church Sign Website

I found this funny website about crummy church signs this picture is borrowed from a post on February 20th. Go check out the site you will crack up.


Crummy Church Signs

also check out this list of funny blogs I found on

Humor-Blogs.com

When You're a Scout You're a Scout All The Way

Utah's local NPR station had a short story about the bills being debated in our Utah legislature, one of them relating to gangs. I'm going to have to paraphrase but I heard this gem of a sound bite from a local representative, (make sure to read it with a churchy Bishop voice in your head) "The problem with this bill is the ambiguous definition of gangs. For instance in my district a boy scout pack could be labeled a gang, they hang out together in large groups, they wear the same uniform..." I busted up laughing and missed the rest of the quote but you get the idea.

I had a mental picture in my head of a half dozen 12 year olds with neckerchiefs and shorts strolling through the middle of the street in quintin-tarantino-slow-mo, knocking over garbage cans. Maybe they would tag the Webelo sign on the side of the stake center or spray the scout oath on a suburban style 3 car garage in elaborate bubble letters with Run Around Lou playing in the background.

Maybe these musings will motivate me to enlist my 13 year old brother-in-law's friend to throw together a video and play the representative's quote in the background.

The Dangerous Lives of Sparrows

On my way to school I saw a bird wriggling on the ground from a distance. Upon further examination it became apparent that there were two birds and one was fighting for its life. While the poor little sparrow was on its back being pecked to death I wondered what could a sparrow do to another sparrow to deserve being pecked to death on a cold Utah morning.

Twenty minutes later while waiting for a parking spot some punk Toyota stole my parking spot and it came to me, the angry sparrow probably had his nest parking spot stolen and was making the other punk sparrow pay the price.

Imagining my Toyota Camry a huge sparrow and the other punk Toyota a bird on its back fighting a loosing battle I no longer felt bad for the sparrow or angry about the unscrupulous parker.

Hast La Vista Service

Maybe some of you have been watching the Terminator for TV debacle known as the Sarah Conner Chronicals. I don't think anyone could replace the Governator so I have tuned out and like the TV show borrowed a title and premise; the machines are taking over!!!!

Lately I have spent many hours on the phone sorting out some problem or another with my cell phone, credit card, or cable. Inevitably the first part of my journey to the brink of insanity starts with a machine trying to answer my questions.

"Just say the name of the department you would like to speak with and I will connect you", says the creepy non-region-specific-40-year-old-women-computer voice.

OK I'll give it a shot and answer, "billing".

"Did you say sales? If this is the department you want just say yes."

"What!!, NO!!"

"I'm sorry I'm having trouble understanding you please say yes or no."

"Ahhhhhh! NO, NO, NO, NO!"

"I'm sorry I still can't understand you did you say, 'please continue to ask me questions and never let me talk to a real person until you hang-up' Little Man?"

"No, no, no, no!" Did the non-region-specific-40-year-old-woman-computer-voice just call me a little man?

"Alright I will connect you to our sales department right now."

It is at this point I've learned that screaming in gibberish in the phone is the quickest route to a real person, my conversation usually goes like this.

"Bob Blahlaw's law blog, rikitikitembonosariguchipipperipembo hindu hindu rackamatack now now ahahahahahaha hhHAHAHAH AHHAHAH AHAHAHA!"

I'm connected to someone in India who understands me even less and I wonder how I could be transfered back to the creepy non-region-specific-40-year-old-woman-computer-voice.

This long winded post is meant to highlight one theory of mine, the machines are starting to take over. Do you ever wonder if the machine understands you but is just messing with you. Maybe I'm just paranoid but I think they are after us. They are training us to become machines. Just listen to someone talking to one of the "machines" all of the sudden we start talking in a monotone machine like voice.

So, all the John Conners of the world unite and reject the machines. Try my gibberish trick and you'll be talking to a real person in no time, the only drawback is you have to be prepared to speak hindi.

Excercising Options and Optional Excercise

In my last semester at the U, as a Finance major, we have been discussing stock options; fascinating to all of you I'm sure. Lexi loves it when I tell financial theorem bedtime stories so I'm dedicating this post to her.

The professor says "mathematically, gamma is the first derivative of delta and is used when trying to gauge the price of an option relative to the amount it is in or out of the money." I hear "blah BLAH BLAH!!" Actually I understand and this is how I interpreted it. Options value's increase as volatility and the time allowed to exercise increases. That makes sense to me but you probably hear, "blah blah BLAH!"

Let me put it this way, Lexi likes options and won't make up her mind until she has to. Lexi realizes the underlying theorem, the longer she waits to make up her mind the more value she can possibly derive from the outcome. The more volatile life is the more value she gets in not making up her mind because the volatility may cause her to change her mind. Likely this is a joke that only I get, if so thanks for your time and the next paragraph is more entertaining I promise.

The past couple of weeks I have been trying to lose weight and get in shape. I even went as far to make workout goals that force me to forfeit my spending money to my wife if I don't meet them. For each blank space Lexi gets one dollar.

To further solidify my standing as an analytical geek, here is another graph showing my variance from my daily weight loss goal. All of this evidence proves four things.




1. Lexi's tendency to procrastinate decisions is a zero-sum game where she wins and everyone else loses.
2. Lexi is right again and after four years of college I'm finally learning this.
3. Lexi will make money because in my weight loss plan exercise is optional.
4. Lexi is made for me because who else will listen to my ramblings and balance me out.

The Witching Hour

Emily Rose, the creepy quasi-true story of a demon possessed catholic claimed that 3am-4am is the witching hour when demons haunt. I enjoy horror but it forces me to sleep with one hand touching my wife for a week after I see one. Last night the witching hours were 11pm-1am when I recalled every scary movie I could imagine and tried to sleep.

Lexi has to write a script for her class and I suggested a horror and proceeded to freak us both out with a creepy plot of my worst fears. At 11pm I got the bright idea to elaborate on the plot by personalizing it to our present circumstances. I don't recommend this as pillow talk it tends to discourage both of my favorite bedtime activities, sleeping and the other activity ideal for beds.

Here is the plot, try not to laugh.

The Amish believe that when a picture is taken you lose your soul. The bible says thou shalt not have graven images, some eastern religions believe you soul is stolen and trapped in the picture when photographed. A picture happy 30 something is slowly reaching the millionth picture of her husband. While we obviously don't lose our soul with one picture it is slowly lost with each picture and is taken over by the devil by the millionth. The main character first notices this phenomenon when her oft photographed cats become stranger and stranger ending with their death. One night while sleeping the cats start to scratch at the bedroom door but the cats have been dead for a week.

It was at this point that my two cats scratching at my door made it hard for Lexi and I to sleep.

Master Chief vs. Commander and Chief

I asked my wife what I should blog about and she suggested what I think most about. Lately I think mostly about Halo 3 and Politics, two topics that the Lexi loves. With super Tuesday looming I thought it would be fun to compare The Master Chief (Halo's Hero) with our current Commander and Chief(George Dubya Bush).

Achievements

Master Chief: Destroyed alien synthetic ring planet designed to eliminate planet earth.
Commander and Chief: Destroyed Saddam Huesien, the country of Iraq, and the US Budget.

Origins

Master Chief: Half human, half cyborg, his history as a human is unknown but his cyborg parts were most likely manufactured in China.
Commander and Chief: First human to be conceived by two males George Bush Sr. and Barbara Bush.

Known Enemies

Master Chief: The Covenant, an alien species with a fanatical religion preaching the need to destroy mankind and a mindless zoombie infestation called The Flood.
Commander and Chief: Osama Bin Laden, the word nuclear, and Anderson Cooper.

Popularity

Master Chief: Became the worlds best selling video game after it was released in 2001 only to be eclipsed by sales of subsequent games Halo 2 and Halo 3.
Commander and Chief: Set the all-time aproval rating record of 90% directly following 9-11 only to decline to one of the worst of all time at 30%.

Controlled By

Master Chief: 12 year old boys across the world over and 30 year old men living in their parent's basement.
Commander and Chief: Carl Rove

If Bush could run for a third term and the Master Chief were real to more people than those of us addicted to Halo I think Super Tuesday would be a little more exciting.

Thoughts on Thoughts on Other People's Thoughts

I was listening to the radio the other afternoon and they were giving their thoughts on what someone else thought about some news I heard earlier that morning. While I was sitting there thinking about someone's thoughts on someone else's thoughts I became confused. Let me give you a recap:

8:10 -- Read someone's thoughts in the newspaper
12:20 -- Heard CNN try to pass something off as their own thought
2:45 -- Saw an "exclusive" Yahoo article giving their thoughts
4:37 -- Heard NPR ruminate on this same thought


In conclusion I was sitting in my car not knowing what to think and I turned off my mind and put on some music instead. Enjoying the sweet sounds of Death Cab For Cutie, I resolved to engage my mind daily and think my own thoughts on a blog, but here I am talking about someone else's thoughts. What do you think?

Here I Am

For some reason my hands are typing, reluctantly I might add, my first blog post. Lexi seems to think I should start a blog which I find odd being a person of few opinions and little to say, but here we are. If you are reading this blog you should know that the views expressed by this blogger are not necessarilly the views of he and his wife's, known as Jexi or any of their affiliated companies, and therefore can't be held liable.

If you are still reading I commend you on your faith that this will get more interesting but your faith will leave you bored to death like Heaven's Gate followers and I don't even promise a space ship for you soul. There is still hope that this post will improve, Louis Farrakhan offers hope that a spaceship will bring salvation, but I offer neither.



I hoped you enjoyed my musings, Jeffer out!!